A Confession

19 September 2012

Today I got put in a time out.  It was definitely from what something I did...over did as a matter of fact.  My husband's birthday will arrive this coming Saturday.  So,  I've been doing what I have a propensity to do when special occasions come about, thinking about how to make it special.  The plan grows bigger than my capacity.

However, special and perfect become almost an interchangeable once I get started.  Perfectionism isn't possible.  I know this in my head, but my heart gets carried away.  Somehow I became hardwired this way from a very young age and have been in recovery ever since...learning when to say when.

I lay out a plan, look at the time and think everything in my plan should be possible.  I start with my sincere intentions for the person, enjoy creating and working, almost euphoric thinking how the efforts are worth the cost. Then, it happens...not always...but enough that it's a pattern that my closest friends can spot.  Those friends love me enough to call me on it.

I start running out of time, like a deadline the night before a big project is due.  Stress creeps in with the realization that it all cannot be done.  And then you see...tables begin turning...and it starts becoming about me.  But my heart secretly wants it to be perfect.  Now, because you are so smart, you can see the problems that develop with that mindset.

Here's the good news, I confessed it to my husband.  I confessed how my complete plans were more than I could ever get done by Saturday.  I confessed the ridiculous thought of painting a room  as a part of the gift.  I confessed the plans to make the house "perfect" won't happen.  Confession is good for the soul.  

It takes practice, letting go and trusting that we're not called to be perfect.  Perfection doesn't exist except in God.  It takes practice accepting love just the way we are right now.  It takes practice to keep it simple.  It takes a joyful practice to learn that the greatest treasures are truly free and beckon us to become free indeed.