40

9 October 2012

Day 40.

Forty comes up many times in life.  Some people dread turning 40 while some places in the world people dream of living until 40.  The Bible is full of references to 40.  40 days of rain with Noah and all the ark-mates.  40 days on the mountain for Moses.  40 years of wandering in the wilderness with Moses and the Israelites.   40 days in the wilderness for Jesus as he faces temptations, trials, and testing.  40 days Jesus appeared after His resurrection.

40's gift revealed in the Bible reminds us that 40 always, always, always! leads to renewal and restoration.  My life experience bears witness to God's gift present and alive again in this 40th year of my life and my 40th day of recovery.  

Psalm 40 is one I cherish.  (My favorite band-U2- also closes almost every concert with their song "40" which is Psalm 40.  Fitting, since Psalms ARE songs.)

The psalm goes from "how long, O Lord? to "I will sing a new song".

Thank you for these 40 days and 40 nights, dear friends and amazing God.  The journey continues, blessed by restoration and renewal.  

God go with you!

Psalm 40

New International Version (NIV)

1 

I waited patiently for the Lord;
    he turned to me and heard my cry.
² He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
    out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
    and gave me a firm place to stand.
³ He put a new song in my mouth,
    a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
    and put their trust in him.

Psalm 40 from The Message
^1-3 I waited and waited and waited for God.
    At last he looked; finally he listened.
He lifted me out of the ditch,
    pulled me from deep mud.
He stood me up on a solid rock
    to make sure I wouldn’t slip.
He taught me how to sing the latest God-song,
    a praise-song to our God.
More and more people are seeing this:
    they enter the mystery,
    abandoning themselves to God.

Walk On

8 October 2012

Day 39.

Sunday's newspaper told the story of 33 year old Felicity Aston's two month solo trek across the Antarctica.  She speaks of isolation and the painful weight it carried.  The quote that has stuck in my head like mental bubble gum is, "For her, though, the real mark of success is knowing she is mentally strong enough to spend nearly two months in isolation without succumbing to fear."

Our mental state impacts life in such profound ways.  I find that internally I've already decided if I will go forward or fall flat.  The mental strength doesn't come with a steady dose.  I've discovered it strengthens as I pay attention to its power and impact.

Simultaneously, a friend's sister who suffered from mental illness jumped off a bridge and died this past week.  Her family made sure she had care throughout her adult life, but the illness was too strong.  She had just been released from the hospital not long before this happened.  Mental illness, in my opinion, is a pain that hurts much more than physical pain and may not  always be recognized.  It's grip has the ability to hold on so tightly that no matter one's mental strength, the illness throws us into situations we would never choose had the illness not been present.

So...a paradox.  Mental strength can help one face extreme circumstances as well as the everyday ones. Mental illness can interrupt and kidnap this strength into a darkness where the sun feels like darkness.

Do everything you can to stay mentally healthy.  Learn about yourself, where you come from, your shadow side you ignore, and the sabotage you fall into.  This is an ongoing thing for me because I am always changing.  I take confidence and peace in God's presence constantly providing companionship...preventing isolation.  I am grateful for friends who are truth-tellers for me no matter what.  I am indebted to so many for the web that creates a safety net that allows me to push my edges.

I know I am a mental case!  :)  Friends and I claim our families put the fun in dysfunctional!  It's not about judging one another.  I find it's about walking side by side on a journey that will be long with plenty of surprises.  Walk on, dear friends!  Walk on!

Unseen Enemies

October 7, 2012

Unseen enemies invade my body today and attack the lungs.  On the bright side, this recovery time may help me fight it off without prednisone.  I've already taken the steroid once in August, twice in September and I would love to say none in October.  It is a wonderfully nasty drug that can heal and harm at the same time.

The enemies within are often more problematic and harmful.  Bacteria and viruses are perhaps easier to eradicate than the negative messages within that play like a vinyl record stuck on a scratch.  Our brains cue into our deepest grooves we've established through routine, discipline, and habits.  What surprises me is that a negative scratch has the power to skip our minds into a tiny trap that can hold one hostage for a time.

My scratch is that when the virus strikes my body, it is invisibly linked to the negative thoughts.  Okay... here goes... for me it goes like this...
I am weak.
I am lazy.
I am worthless to the organization.
I am letting people down... coworkers, family members, friends, volunteers.

Now, this isn't to illicit pity.  The good news is creating awareness helps heal the over the skip... sort of like using white toothpaste over a damaged CD or DVD.  I know in my head that those statements aren't true.  I also realize that I have responsibility to myself and those I care about to take care of myself.  When I don't, I do have a role in my body's defense breaking down and becoming ill.  This logic has escaped me for decades...usually believing that sheer will can provide an invisible shield of protection.  The heresy is that I am really thinking or attempting to be God rather than releasing, letting go and trusting God.

God also provides a deep groove of creating us in Her image, while not bearing the full responsibility of fully being Her.  We work in concert with Her, but also rest in knowing She is the Ultimate... sort of like a child being a mini-me of the parent.

I resist the scratch today and rest so that I can attend to my calling and job more fully this week.  This happens by going to church via the radio with our youngest who is feeling under that weather as well.  Meanwhile, practice staying in the groove with me that helps our hearts sing in concert with our Creator, Savior, and Spirit.

Homecoming

6 October 2012

It's homecoming around town.  The high schools, colleges and the universities all are in process.  The streets gave way to marching bands, decorated trailers piled with face painted fans, candy flew through the air, and lots of spirit carried the day.  Tailgating, flags, food, sweatshirts and coming together means you belong.  ( Bison won today if you haven't yet heard/herd!!)

Coming home means you belong to something bigger than yourself.  You are connected to others in a way that celebrates.  Celebrating a place where we could express ourselves, grow in friendships, and be both nurtured and challenged.

Recall homecoming that meant something to you.  Or, if you didn't have a great time during a homecoming...imagine what you would have liked.  Create a home where every single day as you walk through the door, it is a safe place.  I believe each expression gives the world something it desperately needs... compassionate spirit.

Taking Time to Listen

5 October 2012

Finally Friday!  Family conference of sorts.  The differences between men and women/ girls and boys is something we are learning together.  Teaching direct communication while crucial, is also a difficult one to teach.  Pushing someone's growing edge doesn't tend to go over well.  Our girls and my husband have a communication gap starting.   Gender roles and differences between parents intersecting with those of children can get complicated.

We make it a point not to keep secrets in our family.  The other piece is to work things out directly.  My husband is in a house with all girls now that our son moved out.  It isn't uncommon to feel left out if you are the only guy or only girl.  Our girls come to me often and lately have avoided talking to their dad about things that concern him.  Small things, really.  It surrounds the issue of criticism and wanting to avoid letting down their dad.

Truth and reconciliation means coming together...even...especially when it's hard.  My husband is a fantastic dad and wants a healthy relationship with his daughters.  They both need openness and I need to stay out of the way and support their taking direction.  This time to listen more reminds me how I have been contributing to the problem.

First Snow!!!

4 October 2012

Woke up to a blanket of white over everything outside.  Asters and mums were bowing to the ground, leaves were blowing horizontally, boots, winter coats and mittens were strewn all over the before we headed out to school.  The first snow carries an aroma unlike any other.  Crisp, refreshing, and invigorating with each deep breath.

It's the earliest snow I can remember.  We may still have 80 degrees yet this fall.  What a poignant reminder that we aren't in control.  Each day will reveal it's own surprises and ways of dealing with them.

Right now when I try and stay moving, engaged and involved and about for 5 hours, I crash.  I am not sure if this last week magically fixes that or not.  I will need to get used to taking pain medicine during longer days.  I am looking forward to the gym once I am cleared and will see how these mesh.

It may be surprising for awhile.  As surprising as snow on October 4th, but it also brought beauty, joy and new ways of dealing with the day.   I think I will try and frame life after 40 days as refreshing and trust that all that I need will be provided.  How about you?

Pick me! Pick me!

3 October 2012

A friend one gave me a package of napkins that had a overly caffeinated woman in a business suit, sitting at a table with loads of work in front of her.  Her hand was high up in the air like a child who really wants the teacher to call on her because she knows the answer.  (Or like Donkey in the movie Shrek!)  The caption:  "Pick me!!! Pick me!!!"

Behind every good woman there tends to be substantial amounts of coffee involved.  I personally get so excited about so many things that I instinctively want to reach my hand high up in the air with that child's enthusiasm.  That doesn't mean I thought through the other times I had done that same thing.

It's the double edge sword.  I love being involved and there is nothing quite like throwing oneself completely into a project.  Pulling back the reins by myself is difficult to do.  This is precisely why I have truth tellers in my life.  Alone, I can often talk myself into or out of things without seeing the bigger picture.  My husband is one of those truth tellers who blesses me with this gift.  It's tough saying things one knows the other person may resist.

Many of you are friends, so I am giving you an open invitation.  Yes, I realize what can of worms I may be opening up.  I have a little over a week before heading back to work.  The thought is exhilarating because I love serving as a pastor.  As I prepare for going back, I plan on doing a time diary for two weeks.  The idea would be that I could see how I am budgeting my time and make responsible adjustments where/when needed.

How do you budget your time and energy?  Do you throw your hand up in the air too often or do you hold back when you may be needed?  I believe each of you have gifts that only you can offer the world. Using those gifts makes every difference.  It's true.  Over using them will short circuit life before you realize what hit you.  Take some time, and pick what is best for you in a world of hope and life.